my own little miracle

God works in mysterious ways.

Who would have known that driving around at eleven o'clock at night, windows down, heat flaming, music blasting, would become my own little miracle?

It wasn't a big miracle. It was just one of those, thank you God, for watching over me, kind of miracles.

I was discouraged, frustrated, confused, sad, tired. I was tired of trying to be perfect for everyone. Facing a decision that left me confused and unsure. Discouraged by a upcoming situation I wasn't sure I wanted to go through with. Frustrated with my doubts and sorrowful attitude about it all.

I desperately needed peace. Comfort. Hope. Reassurance.

So I took my dad's car, and drove. Drove and drove and drove. I didn't know where I was going, or what I expected to find, but I needed to put my life on hold and escape for a little while.

I turned the music up, put down the windows and the sun roof, and drove. I let myself stop thinking and just feel. I felt the cold air blowing all around me, and turned on the heat. I felt the speakers vibrating, the pulses hitting my legs and chest. I felt myself singing loud, and heard how off pitch I was, but I didn't care. It felt good.

I had no idea where to go. I drove past my favorite hiking trail head. I drove up big hills and back down other ones. And then I decided to go to the lookout point. A place where I hoped it would be quiet and peaceful. And it was.

I got to the lookout and gazed over the valley. The lights shining below me, my home. I turned off the car, set my phone aside, disconnected, and sat on the hood, hugging my knees to my chest. I looked at the beauty that was around me, how had I forgotten how very blessed I am? Then I leaned back and looked up. Gazing back at me was a pure, clear, blanket of stars, seeming to shelter me from everything I had stressed about.

I allowed myself to open my mind again, and think. I thought about where I should go? Who I wanted to be? Why I was so discouraged? Everything. I let the thoughts and answers creep in to my mind slowly. I found myself praying after a while. Asking God what to do, sharing with Him all my petty high school problems, my questions and worries about the future, my hopes and dreams, my passion to do the things I love, my desire to become who He needs and wants me to be.

I didn't have any amazing revelations, or divine answers. Just a reassurance and peace, that God is watching over me. That through one of those bright stars above me, God is looking down and making sure I don't mess things up too bad. That Jesus is looking after me, like a protective big brother, whispering everything will work out in the end, and, I understand what you're going through like no one else in the world does. Maybe even my ancestors, my great-grandparents and my friends in heaven are keeping an eye on me, being my guardian angels.

I felt calm and content with life, and growing up. I realized that I can't be perfect for everyone.

I can't be a perfect daughter
a social butterfly
a deep thinker
an inspired scholar
a spiritually enlightened example
an intimate friend to everyone.

I just can't, and that's okay. I can only be me.

Just little ol' me with my perfectly imperfect flaws. With my wild dreams and plans. With an urge to do something spontaneous every once in a while. Who loves the wind blowing through her crazy curls and singing at the top of her lungs, completely off key.  Who day dreams about love and going to Africa. Who wants to have a six pack. Who loves God and the mountains. Who wants the back drop of her first kiss to be a sunset. Who is learning more and more about herself each day.

And maybe to God, I am perfect in my own way. That I am perfect for whatever he needs me to do and be. And that every day I do my best to be my best, I am making Him proud.

That's my own little miracle.

Until next time,

A