god's love

So I had the opportunity to speak in an incredible Stake Conference yesterday. I wish I could just post the entire conference on here, but I all have typed is my talk…so you're getting just a snapshot of the lesser part of the conference!

Over the summer, I volunteered at a kids camp. One day I was in the bathroom with some 6 and 7 year old girls washing our hands for lunch. One of the girls looks up at me and says, "How old are you?"

I replied, "I'm 18, I just graduated from high school."

She looked back at me with big eyes, "Wow, you're old." Pause. "Do you have a boyfriend?"

Awkwardly and laughing inside I responded, "Mmm…nope, I don't have a boyfriend."

Resolutely she stated, "Well you should! You're old!"

I didn't really know how to respond so I finished washing my hands and then another cute little girl came over and said, "I think you should have a boyfriend cause you're so pretty!"

In reality, when I was little, I thought sort of the same thing. 21 is so old, there's no way I'll go on a mission, I'll be married by then!

In high school, I thought I better not be married when I'm 21! I have to see the world first!

And then they changed the mission age when I was a senior in high school and I had to figure out if a mission was something I actually wanted to do. 

After a little while, I decided that a mission was something I definitely desired to do. I thought of all the amazing places I could be called. And then I found out that I would likely not be called to a foreign mission for medical reasons. I was selfishly disappointed and discouraged. I questioned if going on a mission was the best option for me. One night when I was feeling especially down about things, I knelt and prayed. I laid it all out for God. I told Him that I still desired to go, but I needed to know if it was really the right thing for me. As I finished my prayer, I stood and the words to "I'll Go Where You Want Me to Go" came to my mind. The first verse says:

It may NOT be on the mountain top

Or over the stormy sea

It may NOT be at the battle's front

My Lord will have need of me

A feeling of reassurance and calm came over me and I knew that God was aware of me and loved me in that moment. And for the next few months, whenever I had moments of doubt or fear, that answer was constant and recurring, "I'll go where You want me to go, my Lord will have need of me." And here I am!

In every interview I have been in while preparing for my mission, I have been asked what message I want to share with the people I will teach. There’s a quote by Marianne Williamson that answers this question for me in a lot of ways:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.”

I love this quote. So much. I just want to touch on a couple parts of it.

The first phrase I want to look at is “You are a child of God.”

We are children of God. I am a child of God. You are a child of God. The people sitting on your left and your right and behind you and in front of you are all children of God. That person that cut you off on the freeway yesterday, the coworker that drives you crazy, noisy neighbors, the person the chews with their mouth open, they are a children of God. AND GOD LOVES ALL OF US.

I know that God loves me. But what does that really mean? Well, according to Marianne Williamson, it means that I should let my light shine.

We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

Have you felt that light and power of God’s love in your life? I want each of you to think about a time when you truly felt God’s love. I know that all of you have. What were you doing? Why did you feel that way? Do you desire to feel that way again?

Over the summer, I had the opportunity to go on a humanitarian trip to Vietnam. The last few days of our trip, we were invited to help a small village build a road. We hiked up the first day and I was all set to do construction, and then they asked for volunteers to play with the kids, so I volunteered! The kids were so shy and had never seen white person before, but by the end of the first morning, they were finding translators to ask if I could come back the next day. Halfway through the second morning, our translator many me do actual construction for almost the first time on the trip. I went over to the construction area and a group of kids followed me over. As I ran up and down the hill with wheelbarrows of cement, they asked over and over "Are you tired yet? Are you tired yet?" We only helped with that project for those two days, and but the time we left that second day, I felt so much love for those kids. And I hadn't even been able to talk to them. Didn't even know their names.

I want to make a comparison about the language barrier I had with these kids. In some ways I think we have a sort of similar “language barrier” with God. We don’t physically see God’s face or hear His voice as we talk with Him. We communicate with God through other means like prayer, scripture study, and promptings/revelation from the Holy Ghost. In some ways those are our spiritual “translators”. Much of the love we feel from God is through the feelings and emotions, not from literal language.

The person I was in Vietnam, the love and power I felt while serving selflessly, is the kind of feeling I want to always have. It is those feels of love and charity that help me to feel the glory of God within myself. I have realized the love I felt for those kids is the closest I can relate to the feeling I assume Christ and God have for us. It is the same love I hope we all feel for each other and ourselves.

So I noticed about halfway through writing my talk that I sort of had this theme of “children”. Of course, that leads me to think of Mosiah 3:19 which says:

19 becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father

We look to Christ as the perfect example in all things. Like a child, He submitted to His Father’s will and bore the cross and atoned for our sins. Further, God loves US so He sent His only begotten Son and watched Him suffer for us. Because He loves US.

I want to read you an analogy from a book by Brad Wilcox called the Continuous Atonement.

Little children don’t learn to walk in a day. Between the time a child is carried in a parent’s arms and the great day when he is running on his own, there is a lot of hand holding, baby stepping, and falling. For a child learning to walk, falling down may not be desirable, but the lessons learned from it are.

Similarly, before we came to the world, God knew we had progressed as far as we were able without an earthly experience. He could no longer carry us by keeping us in His presence. It was time for His children to learn how to walk on their own. That’s why He lovingly placed us here—across the room, so to speak—and stepped just beyond our reach, all the while beckoning us to come. He knew the tumbles that awaited us. He knew the ups and downs ahead. That’s why He planned from the very start to send our older brother to hold our hands, lift us up, and guide us across the room back to His outstretched arms. We left those arms crawling. We can return to them running.

Let me touch a little bit more on the Savior’s role in this analogy by reading another poem called Hand in Hand.

Like a child in the woods I lost my way,

Alone and afraid I stopped to pray.

      “Father in Heaven,” I cried in my need,

      “Please guide me home, I’ll go where you lead.”

Like a light in the forest He sent down His Son,

Me heart became warm, a new hope had begun.

      “Take my hand and I’ll lead you,” I heard Him say,

      “Stay by my side for I know the way.”

Now a child in the woods all filled with delight,

The journey is joyous as I walk in His light.

      No longer alone in a shadow filled land,

      He leads me home as we walk hand in hand.

Also a scripture to go along with that D&C 50:40-42

40 Behold, ye are little children and ye cannot bear all things now; ye must grow in grace and in the knowledge of the truth.

41 Fear not, little children, for you are mine, and I have overcome the world, and you are of them that my Father hath given me

42 And none of them which my Father hath given me shall be lost

I know that God loves us. I know that Christ loves us. Verse 41: “I have overcome the world” gives me so much confidence and is the light that I want to share with others. Think back to the quote by Marianne Williamson.

We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

That is my goal as a missionary. I want to teach of God’s love for His children. That knowledge is the light that I want to share. We all have that responsibility because we all have that light. And we can help other’s find their light.

In one of my favorite talks by Elder Holland, he says:

“If ye love me, keep my commandments,” Jesus said. So we have neighbors to bless, children to protect, the poor to lift up, and the truth to defend. We have wrongs to make right, truths to share, and good to do. In short, we have a life of devoted discipleship to give in demonstrating our love of the Lord. We can’t quit and we can’t go back.”

I know that God loves me. I know He loves all of us. I know we each have a special testimony, a special light, a special message to share with others. We all have a responsibility to share that so that others can know of God's love for them and find hope, peace, and happiness in Him. I challenge you to find a way to let your light shine and to share that testimony that is so special to you. 

In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

humility

One day I will figure out how to make this blog cute…one day. I promise. Until then, hopefully you at least enjoy the words. 

So I've had at least four ideas of blog posts I've wanted to write swimming through my head for the last few weeks, but today, I'm going to write about something totally unrelated to any of those. Something quite personal.

Sometimes I have lots of really random things running through my mind and it helps me to write them out. Sort of just to organize and file them and figure out what I'm really thinking. Come up with a conclusion. Today is one of those days.

I am so blessed. I am so blessed. I am so blessed. That's not exactly what I really want to write about, but it just keeps running through my mind over and over and over again. God has blessed me so much more than I deserve. Lately I've realized that I need to be more humble. I need to recognize when I'm wrong and be willing to say sorry. But sometimes that is really hard. I don't always recognize when I've said or done something that might have offended another person (so I'm sorry if that's ever been you). I often think I know everything. Even though I know that I don't. But I don't want to admit when I am wrong. Being wrong seems weak to me, I guess. But that's not right. It just means that I'm human. The worst is when I think God might be wrong. 

So here's the personal stuff. I have JRA (Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis). I was diagnosed in second grade. I'm a freshman in college now. You can do the math. It's been a long time. Anyway, this has been a huge concern for me in preparing to go on an mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I have been really worried that it will affect where I go, just because it's words on a screen when my mission is chosen. But, it's also one of the big reasons I've decided to go on a mission, that's a story for another day. I've never really liked talking about my arthritis. I'm always scared that people will look at me or think of me or treat me differently because of it. But I'm starting to see that's not really my problem. I am strong. I am tough. And I have things "under control". 

Or so I thought. On Friday I had a doctor's appointment. Just a normal check up. And everything looked great. My joints felt strong and flexible. Normal. I'm supposed to have a shot every two weeks, but I hadn't had one in over a month, with no major consequences, so I thought maybe I was finally going to have to stop worrying about it. I was wrong. By the time I got back home Friday evening, my knee had decided that it was tired of being normal. It had "flared up", another way of saying it was swollen again. How ironic, right? And to rub salt in the wound, I'm getting my mission call on Wednesday (hopefully!). The swelling is like an awful reminder that my arthritis might be limiting me again. But maybe even worse, it's a reminder of my weakness and it terrifies me that I'll have to deal with it on my mission. If I have to give myself shots every two weeks…I don't know if I could. It scares me. And I'm so tired of having to deal with it. It's exhausting and frustrating and just annoying. 

Now, I don't tell you this to lay out some sob story, or proclaim some amazing miracle, or rant to the world, or anything. I don't mean to be confessing some sort of major problem in my life, but I'm realizing that maybe I can help other people through my own experiences. I'm trying to be more open about something that has shaped my life so much. 

Anyway, this might sound really dumb, but I was getting really down about the whole situation…while I was showering…so I just sat down and buried my face and let the water pour over me. I somehow ended up praying. Dumb? Eh…maybe. Maybe not. I can't remember if I've ever actually asked God to make my arthritis go away all together. But I asked Him this time. I told Him that I think I have learned all I can from this trial, I've learned a lot. I know that Christ knows exactly how I feel even though I can't explain it well. I'm upset that my body, the thing that I should have control over, is turning against me. And He knows what that feels like. I know that Christ can heal me. I know that God can heal me. And maybe most importantly, I know that God did not give me this infirmity, but He allows me to have it because something good can come from it. And that goes for most trials. God does not punish us or force infirmities upon us, but He allows them to occur so that we can learn and find the good in them. And as dumb and annoying as my arthritis has been, good things have come from it.

I am more compassionate.

Telling others about it has strengthened them and me. 

I have met amazing doctors.

Lots of "prizes" for having my blood drawn.

It's how I got my answer to serve a mission.

I am tough. 

I have prayed and turned to God more.

I have pushed myself to overcome.

I know what I am made of.

I can do hard things.

Good can come from bad things. I want to be right about having learned all I can. I want God to see that I am right and have learned enough and enough good has come from this in the last ten(+) years. And it's true. A lot of lessons and good have come from it. But maybe there's more that can come. Maybe I need to look at it from God's perspective and see my potential and the potential I have to help others. I need to humble myself.

I guess a miracle of sorts did occur. I didn't get out of the shower completely healed, but by some combination of faith and 30 minutes of hot water and steam working their magic, my joints were no longer in pain when I stood up. And more importantly, I am reassured that God's plan is so much greater than mine. So I will submit to Him and do my best to humbly find and follow His will.

The end. 

Until next time,

A