So I've had at least four ideas of blog posts I've wanted to write swimming through my head for the last few weeks, but today, I'm going to write about something totally unrelated to any of those. Something quite personal.
Sometimes I have lots of really random things running through my mind and it helps me to write them out. Sort of just to organize and file them and figure out what I'm really thinking. Come up with a conclusion. Today is one of those days.
I am so blessed. I am so blessed. I am so blessed. That's not exactly what I really want to write about, but it just keeps running through my mind over and over and over again. God has blessed me so much more than I deserve. Lately I've realized that I need to be more humble. I need to recognize when I'm wrong and be willing to say sorry. But sometimes that is really hard. I don't always recognize when I've said or done something that might have offended another person (so I'm sorry if that's ever been you). I often think I know everything. Even though I know that I don't. But I don't want to admit when I am wrong. Being wrong seems weak to me, I guess. But that's not right. It just means that I'm human. The worst is when I think God might be wrong.
So here's the personal stuff. I have JRA (Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis). I was diagnosed in second grade. I'm a freshman in college now. You can do the math. It's been a long time. Anyway, this has been a huge concern for me in preparing to go on an mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I have been really worried that it will affect where I go, just because it's words on a screen when my mission is chosen. But, it's also one of the big reasons I've decided to go on a mission, that's a story for another day. I've never really liked talking about my arthritis. I'm always scared that people will look at me or think of me or treat me differently because of it. But I'm starting to see that's not really my problem. I am strong. I am tough. And I have things "under control".
Or so I thought. On Friday I had a doctor's appointment. Just a normal check up. And everything looked great. My joints felt strong and flexible. Normal. I'm supposed to have a shot every two weeks, but I hadn't had one in over a month, with no major consequences, so I thought maybe I was finally going to have to stop worrying about it. I was wrong. By the time I got back home Friday evening, my knee had decided that it was tired of being normal. It had "flared up", another way of saying it was swollen again. How ironic, right? And to rub salt in the wound, I'm getting my mission call on Wednesday (hopefully!). The swelling is like an awful reminder that my arthritis might be limiting me again. But maybe even worse, it's a reminder of my weakness and it terrifies me that I'll have to deal with it on my mission. If I have to give myself shots every two weeks…I don't know if I could. It scares me. And I'm so tired of having to deal with it. It's exhausting and frustrating and just annoying.
Now, I don't tell you this to lay out some sob story, or proclaim some amazing miracle, or rant to the world, or anything. I don't mean to be confessing some sort of major problem in my life, but I'm realizing that maybe I can help other people through my own experiences. I'm trying to be more open about something that has shaped my life so much.
Anyway, this might sound really dumb, but I was getting really down about the whole situation…while I was showering…so I just sat down and buried my face and let the water pour over me. I somehow ended up praying. Dumb? Eh…maybe. Maybe not. I can't remember if I've ever actually asked God to make my arthritis go away all together. But I asked Him this time. I told Him that I think I have learned all I can from this trial, I've learned a lot. I know that Christ knows exactly how I feel even though I can't explain it well. I'm upset that my body, the thing that I should have control over, is turning against me. And He knows what that feels like. I know that Christ can heal me. I know that God can heal me. And maybe most importantly, I know that God did not give me this infirmity, but He allows me to have it because something good can come from it. And that goes for most trials. God does not punish us or force infirmities upon us, but He allows them to occur so that we can learn and find the good in them. And as dumb and annoying as my arthritis has been, good things have come from it.
I am more compassionate.
Telling others about it has strengthened them and me.
I have met amazing doctors.
Lots of "prizes" for having my blood drawn.
It's how I got my answer to serve a mission.
I am tough.
I have prayed and turned to God more.
I have pushed myself to overcome.
I know what I am made of.
I can do hard things.
Good can come from bad things. I want to be right about having learned all I can. I want God to see that I am right and have learned enough and enough good has come from this in the last ten(+) years. And it's true. A lot of lessons and good have come from it. But maybe there's more that can come. Maybe I need to look at it from God's perspective and see my potential and the potential I have to help others. I need to humble myself.
I guess a miracle of sorts did occur. I didn't get out of the shower completely healed, but by some combination of faith and 30 minutes of hot water and steam working their magic, my joints were no longer in pain when I stood up. And more importantly, I am reassured that God's plan is so much greater than mine. So I will submit to Him and do my best to humbly find and follow His will.
The end.
Until next time,
A
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