inadequate

Well, it's official, I survived my first semester of college! It's a bit ironic because when I first started and everyone warned me that this semester would be a "learning experience", I sort of laughed them off and thought I would be able to handle it with ease, school was my thing after all. Boy, was I wrong. I learned so much about myself, God, and life in the last few months, and I already regret not writing more of those lessons down.

In the last couple weeks with finals and the pressures of grades and keeping my scholarships weighing me down, I had this sort of feeling of inadequacy. Not necessarily a lack of confidence or loss of identity or depression or anything, just the clarity of 20/20 hindsight everyone talks about. I realized that I was completely capable of succeeding in all of my classes this semester, they really weren't that hard. I knew exactly what I should have done in each class, how I should have taken notes, studied for tests, prepared for assignments, etc. But the problem was, what good does that realization do less than two weeks from the end of the semester? I was frustrated because I knew that I was completely capable of doing and being so much more than I had been. But instead I had let myself slack off and do the minimal amount of effort while still expecting to have my typical "A" student results. 

I was also frustrated because I realized I hadn't acted like the kind of person I want to be. There is so much more to me than I let show during the semester. For example, at my YSA ward's fast and testimony meeting in November, nearly each person stood and expressed how difficult the last month had been for them. It seemed like everyone in the ward felt the same way I had been feeling, yet I hadn't taken the time to notice or talk to anyone about it. If I had truly been acting like the kind of person I want to be, and am capable of becoming, I wouldn't have learned about everyone's difficulties as they talked about them over the pulpit, I would have been someone they could call and confide in as those rough days had come up. I know I am capable of influencing other people and being a better friend and confidant than I let myself be during the semester. 

Anyway, as the end of the semester was approaching, and I started dwelling on all of my inadequacies and shortcomings, I remembered this quote by Marianne Williamson:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

It's been amazing to see the reactions as I have shared this quote with several friends. Parts that I thought of editing out, or thought were less important, were the most impactful to others. Every person has taken something different from it, but each has been able to relate to it in their own personal way. And here I was, ignorantly thinking I was the only one who felt I had failed myself. 

Think about this: if even just one person in a room, one of us maybe, acted like we were powerful beyond measure, we could liberate the insecurities and feelings of inadequacy in others. Why couldn't that be me? Why couldn't it be you? 

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. That means there is indeed enlightenment in letting our light shine so that others can feel empowered by us. We are all meant to shine. 

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. Isn't that really what we are all here to do? We are here to bring others back to God. To remind them of where they came from and their great potential. I think of D&C 10:15-16, which says:

15 And if it so be that you should labor all your days in crying repentance unto this people, and bring, save it be one soul unto me, how great shall be your joy with him in the kingdom of my Father!

16 And now, if your joy will be great with one soul that you have brought unto me into the kingdom of my Father, how great will be your joy if you should bring many souls unto me!

You have to start with yourself. That first soul is you. How great will be your joy if you bring yourself unto God's kingdom? And then after that, how great will be your joy if you bring others unto Him? How great will be His joy in you?

I guess to sort of go along with this…okay it doesn't really connect, but I'm throwing it in anyway… I've also been thinking about the future a lot lately. If you could plan your perfect, idyllic future, what would it look like? A basic idea of perfection for me would be to go on my mission, come home knowing what I want to do with my life, start back up in school, get married to my prince charming, have babies, have a career, and travel the world, in a nutshell. And I'm sure I would be happy and live a great life. But then when I think about it more, how much greater will my life be when I do things in the Lord's timing and according to His plan for me? No matter how perfect of a life I can dream up for myself, it's amazing the think that it will not come close to comparing to the Lord's plan for me. His is so much greater and more perfect than I can imagine. It might not always seem that way, tough times will come and I might question my faith, but ultimately I know the Lord's plan will be exactly what I need, and because of that it will be perfect. 

I think a big reason the Lord's plan is so perfect is because He knows each of us individually. He knows what we need and who we need in our lives. I've tried to listen more closely to the quiet promptings of the Spirit in the last few weeks and it's been neat to see how the Lord has placed me in the paths of individuals who needed my help. How He has inspired me with the words to say to comfort and strengthen them, even when it wasn't obvious they needed help. The Lord knows us each and loves us each. Spencer W. Kimball said, "God does notice us, and he watches over us. But it is usually though another person that He meets our needs." If we are willing, we can be a blessing in the lives of others. That is what makes things so perfect. He will place us where we need to be if we are faithful and do our best to make our will match His will. The people we reach out to might be blessed because of us, but I can attest from personal experience that the impact left on you by a person you serve is incomparable to that which you leave on them. (Read that slowly, it's sort of confusing…)

I guess to sum things up, I am so grateful for the many, many lessons I have learned over the last few months. Even though things weren't my kind of perfect, they were the Lord's kind of perfect, and that is so much better. I'm blessed to know that when we make even the smallest effort to reach out to the Lord, He will come running towards us with open arms. Our fears and feelings of inadequacy become like nothing when we try to see ourselves as God sees us. When we make manifest the glory of God, we liberate and empower others. What greater calling could we have than that?