god's love

So I had the opportunity to speak in an incredible Stake Conference yesterday. I wish I could just post the entire conference on here, but I all have typed is my talk…so you're getting just a snapshot of the lesser part of the conference!

Over the summer, I volunteered at a kids camp. One day I was in the bathroom with some 6 and 7 year old girls washing our hands for lunch. One of the girls looks up at me and says, "How old are you?"

I replied, "I'm 18, I just graduated from high school."

She looked back at me with big eyes, "Wow, you're old." Pause. "Do you have a boyfriend?"

Awkwardly and laughing inside I responded, "Mmm…nope, I don't have a boyfriend."

Resolutely she stated, "Well you should! You're old!"

I didn't really know how to respond so I finished washing my hands and then another cute little girl came over and said, "I think you should have a boyfriend cause you're so pretty!"

In reality, when I was little, I thought sort of the same thing. 21 is so old, there's no way I'll go on a mission, I'll be married by then!

In high school, I thought I better not be married when I'm 21! I have to see the world first!

And then they changed the mission age when I was a senior in high school and I had to figure out if a mission was something I actually wanted to do. 

After a little while, I decided that a mission was something I definitely desired to do. I thought of all the amazing places I could be called. And then I found out that I would likely not be called to a foreign mission for medical reasons. I was selfishly disappointed and discouraged. I questioned if going on a mission was the best option for me. One night when I was feeling especially down about things, I knelt and prayed. I laid it all out for God. I told Him that I still desired to go, but I needed to know if it was really the right thing for me. As I finished my prayer, I stood and the words to "I'll Go Where You Want Me to Go" came to my mind. The first verse says:

It may NOT be on the mountain top

Or over the stormy sea

It may NOT be at the battle's front

My Lord will have need of me

A feeling of reassurance and calm came over me and I knew that God was aware of me and loved me in that moment. And for the next few months, whenever I had moments of doubt or fear, that answer was constant and recurring, "I'll go where You want me to go, my Lord will have need of me." And here I am!

In every interview I have been in while preparing for my mission, I have been asked what message I want to share with the people I will teach. There’s a quote by Marianne Williamson that answers this question for me in a lot of ways:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.”

I love this quote. So much. I just want to touch on a couple parts of it.

The first phrase I want to look at is “You are a child of God.”

We are children of God. I am a child of God. You are a child of God. The people sitting on your left and your right and behind you and in front of you are all children of God. That person that cut you off on the freeway yesterday, the coworker that drives you crazy, noisy neighbors, the person the chews with their mouth open, they are a children of God. AND GOD LOVES ALL OF US.

I know that God loves me. But what does that really mean? Well, according to Marianne Williamson, it means that I should let my light shine.

We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

Have you felt that light and power of God’s love in your life? I want each of you to think about a time when you truly felt God’s love. I know that all of you have. What were you doing? Why did you feel that way? Do you desire to feel that way again?

Over the summer, I had the opportunity to go on a humanitarian trip to Vietnam. The last few days of our trip, we were invited to help a small village build a road. We hiked up the first day and I was all set to do construction, and then they asked for volunteers to play with the kids, so I volunteered! The kids were so shy and had never seen white person before, but by the end of the first morning, they were finding translators to ask if I could come back the next day. Halfway through the second morning, our translator many me do actual construction for almost the first time on the trip. I went over to the construction area and a group of kids followed me over. As I ran up and down the hill with wheelbarrows of cement, they asked over and over "Are you tired yet? Are you tired yet?" We only helped with that project for those two days, and but the time we left that second day, I felt so much love for those kids. And I hadn't even been able to talk to them. Didn't even know their names.

I want to make a comparison about the language barrier I had with these kids. In some ways I think we have a sort of similar “language barrier” with God. We don’t physically see God’s face or hear His voice as we talk with Him. We communicate with God through other means like prayer, scripture study, and promptings/revelation from the Holy Ghost. In some ways those are our spiritual “translators”. Much of the love we feel from God is through the feelings and emotions, not from literal language.

The person I was in Vietnam, the love and power I felt while serving selflessly, is the kind of feeling I want to always have. It is those feels of love and charity that help me to feel the glory of God within myself. I have realized the love I felt for those kids is the closest I can relate to the feeling I assume Christ and God have for us. It is the same love I hope we all feel for each other and ourselves.

So I noticed about halfway through writing my talk that I sort of had this theme of “children”. Of course, that leads me to think of Mosiah 3:19 which says:

19 becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father

We look to Christ as the perfect example in all things. Like a child, He submitted to His Father’s will and bore the cross and atoned for our sins. Further, God loves US so He sent His only begotten Son and watched Him suffer for us. Because He loves US.

I want to read you an analogy from a book by Brad Wilcox called the Continuous Atonement.

Little children don’t learn to walk in a day. Between the time a child is carried in a parent’s arms and the great day when he is running on his own, there is a lot of hand holding, baby stepping, and falling. For a child learning to walk, falling down may not be desirable, but the lessons learned from it are.

Similarly, before we came to the world, God knew we had progressed as far as we were able without an earthly experience. He could no longer carry us by keeping us in His presence. It was time for His children to learn how to walk on their own. That’s why He lovingly placed us here—across the room, so to speak—and stepped just beyond our reach, all the while beckoning us to come. He knew the tumbles that awaited us. He knew the ups and downs ahead. That’s why He planned from the very start to send our older brother to hold our hands, lift us up, and guide us across the room back to His outstretched arms. We left those arms crawling. We can return to them running.

Let me touch a little bit more on the Savior’s role in this analogy by reading another poem called Hand in Hand.

Like a child in the woods I lost my way,

Alone and afraid I stopped to pray.

      “Father in Heaven,” I cried in my need,

      “Please guide me home, I’ll go where you lead.”

Like a light in the forest He sent down His Son,

Me heart became warm, a new hope had begun.

      “Take my hand and I’ll lead you,” I heard Him say,

      “Stay by my side for I know the way.”

Now a child in the woods all filled with delight,

The journey is joyous as I walk in His light.

      No longer alone in a shadow filled land,

      He leads me home as we walk hand in hand.

Also a scripture to go along with that D&C 50:40-42

40 Behold, ye are little children and ye cannot bear all things now; ye must grow in grace and in the knowledge of the truth.

41 Fear not, little children, for you are mine, and I have overcome the world, and you are of them that my Father hath given me

42 And none of them which my Father hath given me shall be lost

I know that God loves us. I know that Christ loves us. Verse 41: “I have overcome the world” gives me so much confidence and is the light that I want to share with others. Think back to the quote by Marianne Williamson.

We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

That is my goal as a missionary. I want to teach of God’s love for His children. That knowledge is the light that I want to share. We all have that responsibility because we all have that light. And we can help other’s find their light.

In one of my favorite talks by Elder Holland, he says:

“If ye love me, keep my commandments,” Jesus said. So we have neighbors to bless, children to protect, the poor to lift up, and the truth to defend. We have wrongs to make right, truths to share, and good to do. In short, we have a life of devoted discipleship to give in demonstrating our love of the Lord. We can’t quit and we can’t go back.”

I know that God loves me. I know He loves all of us. I know we each have a special testimony, a special light, a special message to share with others. We all have a responsibility to share that so that others can know of God's love for them and find hope, peace, and happiness in Him. I challenge you to find a way to let your light shine and to share that testimony that is so special to you. 

In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

humility

One day I will figure out how to make this blog cute…one day. I promise. Until then, hopefully you at least enjoy the words. 

So I've had at least four ideas of blog posts I've wanted to write swimming through my head for the last few weeks, but today, I'm going to write about something totally unrelated to any of those. Something quite personal.

Sometimes I have lots of really random things running through my mind and it helps me to write them out. Sort of just to organize and file them and figure out what I'm really thinking. Come up with a conclusion. Today is one of those days.

I am so blessed. I am so blessed. I am so blessed. That's not exactly what I really want to write about, but it just keeps running through my mind over and over and over again. God has blessed me so much more than I deserve. Lately I've realized that I need to be more humble. I need to recognize when I'm wrong and be willing to say sorry. But sometimes that is really hard. I don't always recognize when I've said or done something that might have offended another person (so I'm sorry if that's ever been you). I often think I know everything. Even though I know that I don't. But I don't want to admit when I am wrong. Being wrong seems weak to me, I guess. But that's not right. It just means that I'm human. The worst is when I think God might be wrong. 

So here's the personal stuff. I have JRA (Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis). I was diagnosed in second grade. I'm a freshman in college now. You can do the math. It's been a long time. Anyway, this has been a huge concern for me in preparing to go on an mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I have been really worried that it will affect where I go, just because it's words on a screen when my mission is chosen. But, it's also one of the big reasons I've decided to go on a mission, that's a story for another day. I've never really liked talking about my arthritis. I'm always scared that people will look at me or think of me or treat me differently because of it. But I'm starting to see that's not really my problem. I am strong. I am tough. And I have things "under control". 

Or so I thought. On Friday I had a doctor's appointment. Just a normal check up. And everything looked great. My joints felt strong and flexible. Normal. I'm supposed to have a shot every two weeks, but I hadn't had one in over a month, with no major consequences, so I thought maybe I was finally going to have to stop worrying about it. I was wrong. By the time I got back home Friday evening, my knee had decided that it was tired of being normal. It had "flared up", another way of saying it was swollen again. How ironic, right? And to rub salt in the wound, I'm getting my mission call on Wednesday (hopefully!). The swelling is like an awful reminder that my arthritis might be limiting me again. But maybe even worse, it's a reminder of my weakness and it terrifies me that I'll have to deal with it on my mission. If I have to give myself shots every two weeks…I don't know if I could. It scares me. And I'm so tired of having to deal with it. It's exhausting and frustrating and just annoying. 

Now, I don't tell you this to lay out some sob story, or proclaim some amazing miracle, or rant to the world, or anything. I don't mean to be confessing some sort of major problem in my life, but I'm realizing that maybe I can help other people through my own experiences. I'm trying to be more open about something that has shaped my life so much. 

Anyway, this might sound really dumb, but I was getting really down about the whole situation…while I was showering…so I just sat down and buried my face and let the water pour over me. I somehow ended up praying. Dumb? Eh…maybe. Maybe not. I can't remember if I've ever actually asked God to make my arthritis go away all together. But I asked Him this time. I told Him that I think I have learned all I can from this trial, I've learned a lot. I know that Christ knows exactly how I feel even though I can't explain it well. I'm upset that my body, the thing that I should have control over, is turning against me. And He knows what that feels like. I know that Christ can heal me. I know that God can heal me. And maybe most importantly, I know that God did not give me this infirmity, but He allows me to have it because something good can come from it. And that goes for most trials. God does not punish us or force infirmities upon us, but He allows them to occur so that we can learn and find the good in them. And as dumb and annoying as my arthritis has been, good things have come from it.

I am more compassionate.

Telling others about it has strengthened them and me. 

I have met amazing doctors.

Lots of "prizes" for having my blood drawn.

It's how I got my answer to serve a mission.

I am tough. 

I have prayed and turned to God more.

I have pushed myself to overcome.

I know what I am made of.

I can do hard things.

Good can come from bad things. I want to be right about having learned all I can. I want God to see that I am right and have learned enough and enough good has come from this in the last ten(+) years. And it's true. A lot of lessons and good have come from it. But maybe there's more that can come. Maybe I need to look at it from God's perspective and see my potential and the potential I have to help others. I need to humble myself.

I guess a miracle of sorts did occur. I didn't get out of the shower completely healed, but by some combination of faith and 30 minutes of hot water and steam working their magic, my joints were no longer in pain when I stood up. And more importantly, I am reassured that God's plan is so much greater than mine. So I will submit to Him and do my best to humbly find and follow His will.

The end. 

Until next time,

A

inadequate

Well, it's official, I survived my first semester of college! It's a bit ironic because when I first started and everyone warned me that this semester would be a "learning experience", I sort of laughed them off and thought I would be able to handle it with ease, school was my thing after all. Boy, was I wrong. I learned so much about myself, God, and life in the last few months, and I already regret not writing more of those lessons down.

In the last couple weeks with finals and the pressures of grades and keeping my scholarships weighing me down, I had this sort of feeling of inadequacy. Not necessarily a lack of confidence or loss of identity or depression or anything, just the clarity of 20/20 hindsight everyone talks about. I realized that I was completely capable of succeeding in all of my classes this semester, they really weren't that hard. I knew exactly what I should have done in each class, how I should have taken notes, studied for tests, prepared for assignments, etc. But the problem was, what good does that realization do less than two weeks from the end of the semester? I was frustrated because I knew that I was completely capable of doing and being so much more than I had been. But instead I had let myself slack off and do the minimal amount of effort while still expecting to have my typical "A" student results. 

I was also frustrated because I realized I hadn't acted like the kind of person I want to be. There is so much more to me than I let show during the semester. For example, at my YSA ward's fast and testimony meeting in November, nearly each person stood and expressed how difficult the last month had been for them. It seemed like everyone in the ward felt the same way I had been feeling, yet I hadn't taken the time to notice or talk to anyone about it. If I had truly been acting like the kind of person I want to be, and am capable of becoming, I wouldn't have learned about everyone's difficulties as they talked about them over the pulpit, I would have been someone they could call and confide in as those rough days had come up. I know I am capable of influencing other people and being a better friend and confidant than I let myself be during the semester. 

Anyway, as the end of the semester was approaching, and I started dwelling on all of my inadequacies and shortcomings, I remembered this quote by Marianne Williamson:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

It's been amazing to see the reactions as I have shared this quote with several friends. Parts that I thought of editing out, or thought were less important, were the most impactful to others. Every person has taken something different from it, but each has been able to relate to it in their own personal way. And here I was, ignorantly thinking I was the only one who felt I had failed myself. 

Think about this: if even just one person in a room, one of us maybe, acted like we were powerful beyond measure, we could liberate the insecurities and feelings of inadequacy in others. Why couldn't that be me? Why couldn't it be you? 

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. That means there is indeed enlightenment in letting our light shine so that others can feel empowered by us. We are all meant to shine. 

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. Isn't that really what we are all here to do? We are here to bring others back to God. To remind them of where they came from and their great potential. I think of D&C 10:15-16, which says:

15 And if it so be that you should labor all your days in crying repentance unto this people, and bring, save it be one soul unto me, how great shall be your joy with him in the kingdom of my Father!

16 And now, if your joy will be great with one soul that you have brought unto me into the kingdom of my Father, how great will be your joy if you should bring many souls unto me!

You have to start with yourself. That first soul is you. How great will be your joy if you bring yourself unto God's kingdom? And then after that, how great will be your joy if you bring others unto Him? How great will be His joy in you?

I guess to sort of go along with this…okay it doesn't really connect, but I'm throwing it in anyway… I've also been thinking about the future a lot lately. If you could plan your perfect, idyllic future, what would it look like? A basic idea of perfection for me would be to go on my mission, come home knowing what I want to do with my life, start back up in school, get married to my prince charming, have babies, have a career, and travel the world, in a nutshell. And I'm sure I would be happy and live a great life. But then when I think about it more, how much greater will my life be when I do things in the Lord's timing and according to His plan for me? No matter how perfect of a life I can dream up for myself, it's amazing the think that it will not come close to comparing to the Lord's plan for me. His is so much greater and more perfect than I can imagine. It might not always seem that way, tough times will come and I might question my faith, but ultimately I know the Lord's plan will be exactly what I need, and because of that it will be perfect. 

I think a big reason the Lord's plan is so perfect is because He knows each of us individually. He knows what we need and who we need in our lives. I've tried to listen more closely to the quiet promptings of the Spirit in the last few weeks and it's been neat to see how the Lord has placed me in the paths of individuals who needed my help. How He has inspired me with the words to say to comfort and strengthen them, even when it wasn't obvious they needed help. The Lord knows us each and loves us each. Spencer W. Kimball said, "God does notice us, and he watches over us. But it is usually though another person that He meets our needs." If we are willing, we can be a blessing in the lives of others. That is what makes things so perfect. He will place us where we need to be if we are faithful and do our best to make our will match His will. The people we reach out to might be blessed because of us, but I can attest from personal experience that the impact left on you by a person you serve is incomparable to that which you leave on them. (Read that slowly, it's sort of confusing…)

I guess to sum things up, I am so grateful for the many, many lessons I have learned over the last few months. Even though things weren't my kind of perfect, they were the Lord's kind of perfect, and that is so much better. I'm blessed to know that when we make even the smallest effort to reach out to the Lord, He will come running towards us with open arms. Our fears and feelings of inadequacy become like nothing when we try to see ourselves as God sees us. When we make manifest the glory of God, we liberate and empower others. What greater calling could we have than that?

journey of a lifetime (part III)

july 25

Today is the day of goodbyes. Sitting on the bus in front of the school in the morning I am filled with nervous anticipation. When will it really hit me that I'm not coming back tomorrow, or the next day, or the next? When will I realize that the sticky heat, choppy language, and overwhelming green beauty won't be my reality anymore? When will I realize that no longer will I spend countless hours playing, carrying, laughing with, hugging and kissing precious children?

I get off the bus and am immediately immersed in the energy and excitement of the carnival. Each laugh as sincere as the last, but backed with the thought that this might be the last--at least with this child. The moments are bittersweet. I wonder if things should be more melancholy. But no. As much as everything is overshadowed with sadness, it is also about the barriers we have broken and the relationships we have built without words.

 

Looking around it feels like a dream. But it is the best reality I have ever experienced. Little girls and boys run over to grab the hands and hearts of those they love.  They climb on us like a jungle-gym, then squeeze us tight around the neck.

Gho takes me and Sam into an empty classroom and gives us a dragonfruit. Yang holds me as tight as I hold her. I watch Qua care for his baby sister in a sweet way I have only seen glimpses of throughout the week. Cahn and Duang run around like wind-up toys on caffeine. Lihn shows off her pretty new dress, she is wearing it here for the first time. Yim comes running over to leap into my arms. Later we play tag and she stops when she wants to be caught and tickled. I get in a waterfight with Yang and her aunt behind the school while boys throw water balloons at us. Dang is so glad I can finally sort of pronounce his name that he flashes me a million dollar lion smile. Cahn paints his own face while Duang tattoos his belly, cheeks, and chin. I catch glimpses of kids running in every direction as I watch pieces of my heart run all over the school yard.

I am afraid of losing who I am here. The happiness. The laughter. The love. Can I find that in Utah where people are absorbed in making mountains out of molehills where nothing really exists. In comparison to here, where it seems mountains are made into molehills as the humility and harmony of neighbors and friends shines through. I could live a lifetime here and still have so much to learn. I feel at home here. And I have come to realize that it is so much the people around that influence and shape you. It's not the green of the mountains or impoverished streets, for they would mean nothing if not for the children who come running and the women who stand waving. The men who stare, then smile at the onset of my waving. Without them, this would be just another pretty place.

I hope I have left something for the people here to reflect on or learn from. I hope they will trust me with a piece of their hearts to love and protect as I travel home and try to show others the difference one person can make. I hope I can bring home the me I am here. The one who smiles and waves at everyone. Who loves and is loved. One who will voice her mind and take the position she needs to. Who does not let her beliefs change with the wind. Who will pick up a wheelbarrow and run to the cheers of children and smiles of men. I think of all the things I have learned here that is one of the most important. Perhaps the Lord wanted me to find that divinity within myself and I needed to be here, with these special people, to do that. For that I am so grateful.


Alright, enough with my runaway mind. Just an hour until I go to say hello to my angels for the last time.

LATER.

I got off the bus to the sound of singing and clapping. This ceremony had such a contrast to the other. Rather than awkwardly trying to get a smile out of the kids, I was immediately grabbed on to.  While we were waiting for everything to finish being set up, I grabbed my journal and passed it around to have the kids sign. I even got a few drawings. Treasures! I sort of followed my journal around and ended up sitting in the middle of the kids with Duang on my lap playing with my hands and a couple girls sitting behind me doing my hair. Then Gho pulled me toward her and Qua and Dang and THuang. When the ceremony began I had to go back over to my seat and on my way over I saw one of the girls from road repair! I was so happy! I didn't think I would see any of them again! It sort of made the moment perfect.

After our footloose dance, Duang grabbed me and picked our a seat for us. I was immediately surrounded by kids. It's the moments like that that show me that I really did make a difference to those kids. Maybe as a friend, a jungle gym, a hair model, an example, whatever it may be, they wanted to be around me.

In the end, the kids sang us a song. I sat with my road repair girl since she wasn't part of the school. We sat on the front row and I wrapped her up in my arms. She help on tight as we looked up at my kids' bright shining faces. I was having a hard time keeping my emotions in check, and I guess the kids noticed because I was surrounded by them when they finished singing. Now I said I was surrounded before, but this time I really mean surrounded. They all wrapped their arms around me and hugged me tight. Thuong reached over two kids to rub my sweaty back and lean his head on my shoulder. He looked like he was about to cry, too.

After the ceremonies the women had prepared a dinner for us. I was feeling rushed so I hurried and sat down, totally oblivious to the kids leaving or being told to left. I wish so badly that I had taken the time to say goodbye to my kids before I ate because nearly all of them were gone by the time we finished. We didn't get any final hugs of kisses. No last piggy back rides or games of tag. No real goodbye. They were just gone. And then we were gone. Since we didn't get the classic goodbye sendoff, I'm just counting my time in their midst during closing ceremonies as my goodbye.

 

 

It's interesting in Vietnam because nothing says goodbye. It's all "see you again"s. On the signs, on our cake, it's what they say. So here's to the end of the day of goodbyes "see you agains".

journey of a lifetime (part II)

july 20

Well, we started today off early when we woke up at 5 AM to swim in the ocean! Unreal.

I love the little, little kids. Yang (I think it is) is a little girls with a big giggle. We played hokey pokey together today and she would not let go of me. Then, after all the lessons she came and played with me again. She stole my sunglasses and made me chase her to get them back. A little while later my other best friend, Duang, came and climbed up on me. A kid on each hip, I can't complain! We ran around and played and they just thought it was so funny to look over and see each other! What a riot.

In the afternoon I went to the old school.  I loved giving piggy back rides and running around and spinning--but mostly just to hear their giggles in my ear.

 

After we went and played soccer with the English camp. As soon as I got off the bus there, Gho (pronounced Yow) ran up to me, grabbed my hands, and went "one, two, three," and jumped up around my waist. Then she squinted her eyes really tight, which is what they do when we spin them in circles, so we spun!

 

 

 

 

I think it is so amazing that not only does this program change their lives in a big or small way, but it changes our lives. I know that for me, I have seen that there is so much more than just focusing on your small section of the world. There are far more issues and blessings in store that I have yet to discover. The best way to start a friendship is to smile and wave. I hope that I never, ever forget the difference I am personally capable of making.

july 21

There is hope! I am finally starting to learn and remember the kids' names! Pronounciation, on the other hand, is a completely different story...

Gho tracked me down pretty quick today. My favorite was this afternoon when I was a group leader she saw me through a window so she came and reached through it and called me name. She grabbed my hand through the window, then the next, then the next, until she got the door and pulled me out and gave me a hug. Later she asked the interpreter to tell me that she wants me to come back tomorrow. It's impossible not to feel loved and happy there!

july 22

Today was great! I started off at the old school doing construction (slash really just playing with the kids). It is so sweet when the kids just come up to you and lean on you and put their arms around you. At any given time I probably had at least three kids wanting to be carried. There was a little boy in a red shirt who became my buddy for the day. When I was kneeling so the girls could do my hair, him and three of his buddies just came over and hugged me. We just sat there hugging for like 10 or 15 minutes.

 

I've noticed that the way to almost everyone's hearts is through the children. I think it must be because of their innocence and simplicity. Kids have a way of looking at problems in a way that seems more manageable. They have taught me that maybe most problems can be solved starting with a smile. And hugs finish the job in the end.

Tonight we had a sort of thankimony, reflecting on the trip so far. Justin pointed out that between the two teams that have been here over the last month, there have been about 80 Americans. The last time there were 80 Americans here was during the war. What a difference. In the reasons, ideas, reactions, and feelings. We really truly are breaking down massive barriers.

july 23

Today was such a great day. I went to a "special project" we were invited to. We stopped on the side of the road, crossed the street, and ended up hiking up a trail that led to a village tucked away in the mountains. It was the first time I really, really noticed the simple and humble way these people live.  We were told to start helping move piles of dirt to make a road. But...they needed people to volunteer to play with the kids. Begrudgingly I went...okay really I was pretty excited!

This experience was a lot different than meeting with the other schools the first time. Like the other schools, the kids were super shy at first, but unlike the other schools, these village kids had never seen a white person before. They were very tentative and looked confused any time we got close to them. I was worried they wouldn't warm up and was really missing my school kids, but decided to make the best of it before running off in self-pity to move piles of sand. Eventually they did warm up to us and it became one of  my favorite experiences of the week.

 

 

I've discovered the way to a little kid's heart is by tickling, which leads to holding, and then tickling while holding, and spinning, and eventually hanging upside down from your arms, all topped off with a precious kiss.  Kid's innocence is refreshing, their shy, or outrageous giggles are infections, their smiles irresistible, and their hugs and kisses are priceless and unforgettable. As we build relationships with them, not only do we build bridges with their generation, we break down barriers with the older generations.

As I was leaving and saying goodbye, three of the older girls came over and were asking me something. I obviously couldn't understand them at all, so they tried to speak English. I got "walk" and "won" and pointing to where we had been playing. The true interpretation: they were wondering if I would coming back later! So I have to make sure I get to go back tomorrow!

july 24

Happy Pioneer Day, Utah! Okay, Joanna just pointed out that we haven't even thought about pioneers all day. Well that's cause we were so busy. And in Vietnam, not Utah. It's not quite as big of a deal here.

Anyway...I got to go back to road construction today! We handed out little packs of crayons and construction paper, which the kids loved. So did some adults. A cute man (weird that I just called him cute, I just adore everyone here so they are all cute...) but a cute manly man came over and colored a picture as well.

 

One of the highlights of my day was when Hung made me actually go do construction and work (which I almost haven't done any of the whole trip, if you haven't noticed). I had a little fan club following me around and cheering me on as I ran wheel barrows full of cement up and down the hill. They kept asking if I was tired yet (their hint that I should go back and play, but honestly I don't know which job is more exhausting!)

While I was helping with construction, it was neat to see how the people worked together so harmoniously and just fill in wherever help is needed. The men were so impressed when I would come dump cement, up and down , up and down.

After I finished working, I went back to play with a little trail of kids. My sweet little baby fell asleep on me. Snoring and everything! I died. Again as I was leaving, the kids came running over and asked if I was coming back later, or tomorrow. I had to say no and it broke my heart. They followed me out and said goodbye. All waving from the top of the hill, and then running down to wave at the bus door.

 

journey of a lifetime (part I)

july 14

Well. It's the day I've been waiting for! I'm on my way to Vietnam!

Flight to China. Fourteen hours.  That's all that really needs to be said.

One of the neatest things was lifting the window shade during the night and seeing the stars.  It was so cool! Magical, really.

july 15

Holy heck. This place is amazing.

The layover in China was horribly long. It was crazy. Crazy boring that is. But we survived. From there we flew to Ho Chi Minh City (also called Saigon). On that flight I had the CUTEST little Chinese girl sitting next to me. At the beginning of the flight I was trying to fall asleep and then randomly felt something petting my hair--yes, it was her. She then became my best friend and started chattering away in Chinese. She kept looking at me like I should understand what she was saying, but obviously I had no idea so I just smiled and nodded.

So let me set the stage for when we arrived in Vietnam: dark, evening, so tired, hungry. There are no rules about driving here. You can do just about anything, go in any direction, go any speed, or get as close to anything as you want, so long as you honk. Oh and there are so many scooters (aka motor bikes). The country is infested with them. Anyway, it's really neat to see how things work together regardless of who or where you are.

So despite being so tired we walked through the rain to go to dinner. It was so good! One girl got stir-fry and they brought her out a plate of fries stirred around in soy sauce. So funny. On our way home, Justin led us through an alley to show us the apartment he lived in when he came to teach English. When we walked through the alley we were basically walking through people's houses. It was like every house was missing a wall and we could see what was going on inside. Kinda cool! I can't imagine what they were thinking when 40 white people started walking through... 
 

 
 
july 16
 

We went to the Cu Chi tunnels and war memorial museum today. At the Co Chi tunnels we basically learned about how the Vietnamese killed Americans. The American Enemy Killing Heroes and such. It was horrible. Then we crawled through the tunnels. They were hot. Plain and simple. Hot.
 
After the tunnels we went to the war memorial museum. It was worse. I have never felt ashamed or embarrassed to be American before. Agent Orange, a toxic spray released to kill the jungles so we could see camps of soldiers to kill. It left so many awful effects. Burns, deformities, death, birth defects, and the problems still continue today. It's sad to think of all the people who faced those problems as a witness and through first hand experience. It's disappointing to think of the people who took pictures and walked away without doing anything. It's scary to think of what the US has done, is doing, and is capable of doing that I don't know about. The experience was very eye opening although sad. It was humbling to see things through the eyes of the "enemy"--who is really just another type of living, normal people.
 

 
july 17

After an overnight, longest ever, 12 hour train ride, we made it to Song Cau!

Let me skip to the good parts. We went out exploring and found the cutest little family! 3 girls, mom, dad, and grandma. The littlest was just learning how to walk and loved blowing/eating bubbles. The mom just loved showing off her kids.

 

We also had out opening ceremonies. Oh my gosh! I love the kids! At first they were really shy, but by the end we were all laughing and taking pictures and giving high fives. This week is full of promise of fun and memories!

july 18

This morning I taught my English lesson on emotions.  After my lesson a cute little girl stayed and helped me clean up. Darling I had a few kids who stayed during all my lessons. I pulled out balloons and bubbles and the kids just LOVED them so much.  Oh my. I sound like a crazy person, but this place is the best.

 

 

During our three hour lunch break there was a big rainstorm so we went on the roof and danced in the rain. Does it get any better? I think not.

 

LATER: Okay. It gets way better.

This has been the best day of my life.  After lunch I went back up to the school.  All the kids came running when the bus pulled in. They ran up waving and calling out "hello, hello" and lined up outside the door of the bus to say hi and give us high fives.

Okay, embarrassing moment of the day. We were playing tag and I was being chased, so, of course, I ran away. Right into the thick black cord holding the tarp up. I ran into it so hard that the cord snapped in half and my head jerked back. Oh my. So embarrassing. To top it off, I had been tagged so I then had to chase everyone. So great. Let me tell you.

Oh so flashback to this morning. A kid pooped in my English lesson. Yup. That's all.

Um so dinner was awesome. I accidentally ate squid. Enough said.

After dinner we went into town on a search for ice cream. And then. We saw dancing. And decided to join. It ended up being a charity event for the Red Cross. So we ended up being able to dance with the kids. Priceless.

And now. The best part.

So the cute girl who had grabbed me to dance with her ran over and pulled me aside as we were leaving. She led me off to the side where it was lit up and more quiet and pressed a little gift into my hand. She then gave me a hug and ran off.  The gift was a little necklace/whistle thing. Best ever.

july 19

I still don't know how to describe my feelings in this place. It's like no moment is the same and every moment is the best. No one moment is better than another because they are all part of a whole set of feelings. Here in Vietnam, I feel whole.

Despite the language barrier, the relationships we are building are real and strong. I can feel and see it when the kids run down to the bus to greet us. When they hug us, sit on our laps, copy what we do, and blow kisses as we ride away on the bus.

It's so fun to see the kids start opening up and seeing their personalities come out. One of my favorite parts of the afternoon was a little boy and little girl (gosh I wish I knew their names!) were the last two standing in musical chairs and ended up playing tug-o-war with the stool. It only ended when the boy kicked (not unkindly) the girl away. So funny!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Once again we walked around town--our main intent, more ice cream.  While we were getting ice cream we met up with Hoa, one of the police from the friends and family team. Here's how our conversation went.

Hoa: "Hi, what is your name?"

Me" "Alyssa, what's yours?"

Hoa: "Hoa, H-O-A. How old are you?"

Me: "18, how old are you?"

Hoa: "22, do you have a boyfriend?"

Me: "No, do you have a girlfriend?"

Hoa: "You are beautiful, get boyfriend."

Haha, not sure if that was a compliment or if he was hitting on me...

So as we were walking through the same courtyard as yesterday, I felt a small tap on my back and heard a little voice say, "Hello, Olyssa?" Guess who?! My favorite little girl from yesterday! She noticed me wearing the whistle and got so exited when I blew it!